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Should have known better

9/10/2017

6 Comments

 
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I live in the West, which means I eek out a puny existence in a 7,000 square mile area of thistle, sage brush, and oil fields. It was nearly 95 degrees this weekend, the atmosphere eerily smoky. The cottonwoods were leaking a thin, sticky residue. I wanted to get Henry on some partridges and grouse. But any self-respecting gamebird would not live in this wasteland of barbwire, No Trespassing Signs, plastic baggies, pop cans, and disposable diapers. What I'm saying is that the West isn't what you think. I haven't met an adult this year who doesn't think Hillary Clinton killed several dozen people in her run-up the last year's election. The yuks out here recently got a huge kick out of the eclipse, but deny the science that told them it was going to happen. A woman in a 1998 Honda Civic chased me down because I failed to signal my turn into the Albertsons. She gave me the finger. She called me a racial slur, and I'm as white as Dean Martin.

A half hour into our "hunt", the dogs were beat, gasping for breath. They could only jog between slices of shade. We flushed thousands of grasshoppers, some tampons, broken glass, and burned tires. This was one of the walk-in areas the state likes to brag about. There was no water. I used both of my 32 ounce water bottles just to keep the dogs alive. Finally, I put them in the truck and drove to the Tongue River, where the interstate blasts over in a concrete memorial. The dogs swam for an hour while I listened to college football.I downed two Coors Lights for hydration only. A rancher came by and looked at me from his late model Chevy.  My team, Virginia Tech, was struggling against a cream puff team. The rancher wrote down my license plate while I tried to understand why our coach always passes on second down. Finally, after staring at me for an uncomfortable moment, Roy Rogers drove off in a veil of dust and country music. Rocket, who is 80 year-old in human years, still seems a little goofy from the whole experiment. It's mid-September, yes, but it's not hunting season. At least I can say I was alone, more or less. 

Not every hunting or fishing trip can be a great success. I get it. But this one almost cost me my old dog. I can see why whole generations of Americans now split their time between The Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings. Or they binge watch television slop from their slave homes and try to sell it later as cultural literacy. It's not. But don't tell them I said so. I think our country needs some sort of unifying character to come down from the hills and cure us. Think John Denver. Think James Taylor. 




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6 Comments
Scott
9/10/2017 08:20:36 pm

Shite happens, Dave. I should've waved you back here in NW Kansas for a dove hunt. I know, long drive. But you don't see another human. Three of us got 84 over two days. Now, what am I gonna do with all these doves? Ah, dove stroganoff...

Reply
Dave
9/11/2017 07:17:22 am

Scott, That sounds pretty good. I've been told that you don't want to start a young dog on doves because the feathers are not oily like duck or goose feathers. Dove feathers coat their tongues and make them less likely to pick up birds. I had a Lab that didn't like holding doves on hot days, but she would. Is there anything to that?

When lived in Kansas we always wrapped the doves in bacon and grilled them. Sometime we added a hot pepper.

Reply
Scott
9/22/2017 11:41:17 pm

I had three labs, all females and hunted doves over them all. I thought it was great practice for them on steadiness to the wing and shot. Yeah, sometimes they'd bring a dove in hanging by a leg and a mouth full of feathers but I never saw any harm. Going out and making dozens of retrieves in a day was certainly better for them than sitting at home in the kennel. Plus, we most always hunt over ponds so there was always a quick flush-out available.

Cole
9/11/2017 07:09:09 am

Dave, kind of a broad brush your using to paint with, aren't you? Cynicism aside, What you need is to forget bird hunting and let's go throw bugs. Or are you too fished out?

Reply
David Zoby
9/11/2017 07:21:09 am

Cole,

I might, but it's hard to fish these ditches once you've been to Alaska. The Platte is looking pretty good. Now if only the fleet of sun-burned yuks would get back to their jobs at the bentonite factories, we might be able to fish. That and the 50ish year-old-guides who try to make heroic statements about yellowsallies and the ole grasshopper hatch of 2011.

I was out with Chuck last week and I asked about you. He gravely shook his head.

Reply
Cole
9/12/2017 09:09:30 am

I KNEW this would happen. You're now an Alaskan snob and are ashamed of your adopted homeland. Although if you saw the hoard of 23-24" cutty's we pulled out of a mountain lake off the Greybull a few weeks ago, you might change your tune. I'll send you a pic or two. And if you were out with Chuck, no doubt you had to pay the tab. He moves more money around then you and Petrie combined, yet has T-Rex arms on the bar bill.




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